


I have spent all my years in believing you (But I just can't get no relief)

by questionablyevil



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Demon Shane Madej, Gen, If you couldn't tell this plot is ridiculous, Rating is for the occasional swear word, Shane Madej is Crowley, This could maybe be read as A/C if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 21:44:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15495318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/questionablyevil/pseuds/questionablyevil
Summary: BuzzfeedVideo was not a channel. It was a corporate amalgamation that relied on the views and likes it accumulated through its wildly popular viral videos across multiple channels and platforms.Crowley had to get in on this.(The logical progression of the Demon!Shane theory - or, the self-indulgent 'Shane is Crowley from Good Omens' fic no one wanted.)





	I have spent all my years in believing you (But I just can't get no relief)

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t believe my first foray into fanfiction writing in nearly a decade (I wrote fanfic at like 12 it wasn’t very good but I did ok shut up I’m not that old) is an rpf crossover but this needed to be done and if not me, then who?
> 
> You probably need at least a passing knowledge of both _Buzzfeed Unsolved_ and _Good Omens_ for this to make sense, as it directly follows the timeline and episodes of the former and includes a lot of references to and mythos of the latter. Sorry. 
> 
> I feel like the name changes are potentially a bit confusing, so I’m stating this here – for the purposes of this story, Shane and Crowley are the same person. It’s primarily based on setting – once Crowley “becomes” Shane, I refer to him as Shane unless he’s speaking to Aziraphale or another _Good Omens_ character.

Crowley loved the twenty-first century.

 

He’d been on Earth for a long time now, and centuries had their ups and downs,* but he thought nothing could improve upon the twentieth. Aside from that little, ahem, hiccup, it had been wildly entertaining. However, only fourteen years into the twenty-first, and this century was proving to be even better.

 

Crowley felt that was thanks, at least partially, to the internet.

 

Aziraphale thought that was his side, because of all of the cat videos and ‘SHARE WITH TEN FRIENDS WHO YOU LOVE’ Facebook posts, but Crowley knew deep down that those were truly demonic inventions. He wondered if someone Down There was finally catching on to his idea of evil.

 

While he hadn’t exactly heard from anyone since the Adam Incident,** there were rumors that they still had eyes on him, and he still loved causing a bit of mischief. That’s why he was on YouTube, looking for any new sign of demonic intervention, or just human beings coming up with something truly evil,*** and saw a channel that caught his eye.

  

*Don’t mention the fourteenth to him.

**Yes, the capital letters were absolutely necessary.

***he still couldn’t believe humans had invented Rickrolling. There had to be some demon pulling the strings on that one.

~.~ 

BuzzfeedVideo was not a channel. It was a corporate amalgamation that relied on the views and likes it accumulated through its wildly popular viral videos across multiple channels and platforms.

 

Crowley had to get in on this.

 ~.~ 

Aziraphale, of course, was less excited about his idea.

 

“You’ll be moving to another continent! The _other side_ of another continent!”

 

“You could always come with me, you know.” Crowley knew he wouldn’t. He’d suggested it before.*

 

“You know I can’t leave the store. They’ve tried to take it from me before. I’m afraid to leave for too long, they may try again. And on top of that, I can’t just leave my post.” While Crowley hadn’t been in close communication with Hell, Aziraphale could not be said to have the same luxury. Heaven had instead chosen to keep its agent in the field on a much tighter leash. They saw it as the merciful option.

 

“You could say you have to follow me. Watching me is, technically, in your job description.”

 

“You know that hasn’t worked since-“

 

Crowley cut him off. He didn’t like to voice the Adam Incident unless he had to. “Yes. Yes. I know, Aziraphale.”

 

“Frankly, I’m still surprised that they didn’t reassign me on principle. They could have sent me halfway across the world and demanded I never-“

 

“I _know,_ Aziraphale.”

 

Aziraphale looked down at his hands. “I know this sort of thing is part of who you are. Just - Just promise you’ll be back soon.”

 

Soon could mean _years_ , and they both knew it. But then again, what’s a few years to two immortals?

 

“You won’t even notice I’m gone.”

 

*’Suggested’ being a somewhat weak descriptor. The word many would use would be ‘begged,’ but pride is a sin, and Crowley is a demon.

 ~.~

It was Crowley’s first day in his new job and brand spanking new identity, and he was having a grand old time.

 

He was right – this place was right up his alley. He’d done a bit of digging to find out if this place had demonic origins, but no, once again proving the absolute ingenuity of humans.

 

“Hey.” Someone came up from behind him. “You’re new, too, right? I’m Ryan.”

 

“Yeah. Shane.” Crowley said, getting used to his voice, the name, and everything else about this situation he put himself in. It wasn’t his first time changing his identity, but he had been AJ Crowley for _so long_. Regardless, if this went to plan, he’d be here a while, and he had to establish some roots.

 

Ryan stuck out his hand, and Crowley – Shane - took it.

 ~.~ 

Here was the thing.

 

Shane, genuinely, liked Ryan.

 

This wasn’t a foreign concept. He wasn’t adverse to the concept of liking humans. He couldn’t really deny that, ever since - Well. He took on God and Satan himself armed only with a tire iron* at his side, at least partially for them. He wasn’t even adverse to liking specific humans from time to time.** Recently, both he and Aziraphale had kept an acquaintanceship with all of the humans involved in the Adam Incident.*** But it was rare. It never ended well for him. There was a reason that The Agreement with Aziraphale worked.

 

Nonetheless, there was something about the man. They got along. They clicked. And if he made a friend while he was here, well, who would fault him?

 

He couldn’t help but compare him to Aziraphale, and when he did, maybe, he saw a bit of why he got along with him so well, out of everyone in the office. Comparing them at surface level, they were nothing alike – Aziraphale a bookish British gentleman, constantly wearing tweed, slightly round around the middle, and Ryan, a, for lack of a better term, stereotypical bro – but Shane was capable of looking past that. He saw both of their warmth, and how it came with a side of sarcasm. He saw how he could easily match wits with both of them. He saw in both of them the _desire_ to be good, even if it didn’t always work out. He saw that both of them were, as he had said to Aziraphale on that fateful day, “just enough of a bastard to be worth liking.”

 

Ryan wasn’t Aziraphale. But he didn’t need to be. Shane didn’t want him to be. He was enough like him to remind him of home, but not enough of a shadow of him to make him yearn for it. He was different enough that, when he didn’t want to focus on Ryan and Aziraphale’s similarities, Ryan could help him feel welcome in the here and now.

 

He produced and took part in plenty of videos, laughing maniacally as he did so. And, if he was making friends during work, who was paying attention to him enough to judge?

 

When Ryan lamented he was losing his cohost for his pet project, Shane volunteered to fill his place. He could work with that. There was nothing wrong with helping out his new friend while also using his show to cause a bit of chaos – he could kill two birds with one stone.

 

*And a pissed off angel.

**Da Vinci, for example. He had been fun.

***Sometimes things happen that form friendships even where you desperately don’t want them, and avoiding the apocalypse was one of those things.

 ~.~

Shane Madej was a weird guy.

 

There was really no two ways about it. Ryan knew that the day they met, and every day since, given the fact that he has never, not once, seen Shane without a pair of sunglasses. They’re often _different_ sunglasses, so Ryan is pretty sure that they are not, in fact, surgically attached to his face, but even the night Shane slept on his couch after a bit too much drinking, he woke up with them perfectly perched on his nose. Ryan admired his commitment to the aesthetic, but he couldn’t deny it was strange. He thought they were friends. Most friends have seen each other’s eyes without the aid of tinted glasses.

 

There was also the man’s car. It was _ancient_ , Ryan guessed it was made sometime in the 20s or 30s, and yet seemed to be in perfect working condition. He’d never seen Shane fill it up with gas, even that one time they had to drive to San Francisco for a shoot.* And he could get anywhere. In _less than five minutes_. During _rush hour_. In _Los Angeles_. It was unnatural.

 

There was also the fact that he always wore those weird snakeskin shoes, no matter how much they conflicted with the flannel shirts.

 

And the – there was no other word for it – _hissing_ while he was editing.

 

He also – well, he had heard the guy was from Chicago, or at least that’s what his boss said was on Shane’s resume. But he knew nothing about Shane’s life before coming here, nothing about his life _outside_ of here.

 

But, despite all of the…peculiarities…about Shane, Ryan liked him. He was reasonably sure he wasn’t a serial killer, and if the guy had some weird habits and wanted to keep private, even with his friends, well, who was he to judge?

 

When he complained to Shane about Brent being relocated, and Shane offered to take his place, Ryan was overjoyed.

 

*To this day, he  _swore_  he grabbed trashy pop album from Shane’s backseat to entertain them on the drive up, which he was planning on making fun of him for even owning, but when it started playing, it seemed to be  _Queen’s Greatest Hits_. Strange, Shane never really struck him as a classic rock sort of guy.

 ~.~ 

Just because Shane liked the guy didn’t mean he couldn’t fuck with him a little bit.

 ~.~ 

Ryan didn’t know that Shane was such a skeptic.

 

It was fine, it made for a good format for the show, but sometimes it was absolutely infuriating. He wasn’t sure where it was coming from, either. When he was plotting the shows with Brent, and Shane was around, editing god knows what,* he would occasionally bounce ideas off of him. He remembered, in particular, coming up with some vague ideas for demon-themed episodes, and Shane just looking at him and smirking.

 

“What? You don’t believe in demons?”

 

Shane just laughed. Guess that answered that question. It didn’t seem that weird, honestly, given how concretely not-religious the guy was.

 

Still, Shane seemed to be open to the _possibility_ of supernatural beings, right up until the moment that he decided to join Unsolved. Then, from the very first video, he seemed to take glee in ripping apart every theory Ryan presented him that was even vaguely paranormal.

 

He should have known not to start Shane off with the Illuminati, of all things.

 

*Shane always seemed to make the most annoying, clickbaity videos. “Would You Fuck An Alien”? Really?

 ~.~ 

Aziraphale called him on a Thursday.

 

“Hello, my dear.”

 

“Aziraphale! How are you?” Before this, they hadn’t gone this long between seeing each other in years. Not since long before the Adam Incident. However, with Aziraphale’s phone habits* and Crowley’s current work schedule, they barely talked at the moment. Just a drop in the bucket for them, but still, it hurt.

 

“Not bad. I see you’re doing…something mischievous. Would you mind explaining how making a video called ‘Unusual Facts About Diet Coke’ is demonic? Or why you couldn’t have done it at home? I know that I’m not exactly up on this sort of thing, but really.” Aziraphale sounded almost hurt.

 

Crowley sighed. “Angel, you were always the best of the lot, but you never had any vision. It’s great. I’m tarnishing so many pure souls this way.”

 

Aziraphale didn’t approve, but he knew it was Crowley’s way. He couldn’t change it, just like Crowley couldn’t change him. He didn’t push it. “I had to part with one of my old manuscripts yesterday.”

 

Crowley gasped. “No! How did that happen?”

 

“The man was waiting for me to open, which I did, but not until 7:45 in the evening. And then he refused to take any of the lesser copies, and he paid a premium!” Aziraphale seemed distraught, but at least he was off the subject of Crowley’s work.

 

That was, until the end of their conversation. “When are you coming home?”

 

London was, undoubtedly, home, to both of them. But they never referred to it as such, because officially Aziraphale and Crowley’s homes were Up There and Down There, respectively. The fact Aziraphale was doing so now showed Crowley how much he missed him, although even after all this time neither would admit it.

 

He sighed and rubbed his face. “I’m starting something new with a friend. I’ll see how it goes.”

 

*He has a Nokia. Fight me behind the local Arby’s, Gaiman.

 ~.~ 

Ryan had decided it was a good idea to see a priest before their little ghost excursion.

 

Now, contrary to popular belief, Shane could, in fact, walk into a church – if he was unable to stand on holy ground and in the presence of holy objects, his friendship with Aziraphale wouldn’t have lasted for as long as it has. He didn’t like it, it made him feel…uneasy…but for the purposes of keeping his cover, he didn’t have a problem with it. The priest himself definitely had something against demons – he wasn’t _dying_ , okay, he was _fine_. He just got caught on the wrong side of things, and it was too late to turn back now. And he was happy with who he was. He, technically, helped save the world once – what did this guy know?*

 

Of course, he couldn’t exactly voice this aloud. He’d just have to call Aziraphale again soon to complain about how his side was spreading lies and slander again.

 

He wasn’t exactly expecting Ryan to ask for holy water, though.

 

As a general rule, Shane tried to stay away from holy water, unless he needed it for something. This holy water was blessed by a normal pastor, so it didn’t have the same strength as the stuff that…melted Ligur, because it was blessed on the fly, and this guy certainly wasn’t _nearly_ as high ranking. But the effect would be close enough if he got any on him. And Shane noticed Ryan could be a bit jumpy. Well, he’d just have to be careful.

 

*He may not have even really been evil. Not really. Sure, he created original sin, but he also gave humans free will. So, he still wasn’t sure if he did the wrong thing, there.

 ~.~

As they approached the Winchester Mystery House, Ryan looked at Shane for a brief moment.

 

“You know, you can take the glasses off.”

 

Shane looked over, the picture of innocence. “Hmm?”

 

“Listen, I don’t know if you think your eyes are weird or you’re just committed at this point, but it’s going to be hard to walk around in a pair of sunglasses. We’re not going to be turning on the lights.”

 

Shane laughed. “Yeah, I guess you could say my eyes are a bit weird. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be able to see fine.”

 

Ryan rolled his eyes, but didn’t push it. He was used to it at this point. “Just don’t trip and fall on your ass. I’m not going to help you up.”

 

Shane didn’t.

 ~.~ 

Shane knew that ghosts were real.

 

When they were in proximity, though, they tended to steer clear of him. Even before the Adam Incident - ghosts tended to submit to demons, especially powerful ones. And even though Shane wasn’t even a Duke, his particular history put him above any ghost he may have to encounter.

 

He felt kind of bad when they all scattered, leaving Ryan nothing to work with. Oh well.

 ~.~ 

Spiders, though. Spiders had no such preservation instinct. _Fuck spiders._

 ~.~

Shane was a little curious what he would encounter when he went with Ryan to the Sallie House.

 

Demons who infested houses tended to be new. Low-ranking. Just earning their stripes, so to speak. Lower even than demons who are forced to possess humans,* and certainly lower than those who had been with the cause long enough to have their own bodies.** This demon would probably have to submit to Shane’s seniority, much like the ghosts.

 

When they arrived, the house was empty.

 

He could tell that there _should_ be a demon here, though. He had seen all of the signs. It wasn’t his type of demonic activity - too obvious, too targeted - but he recognized it when he saw it. And demons who possessed houses, they couldn’t just leave. That’s not how possession of places is. They had to get permission.

 

Or be told to leave.

 

_Oh_ , Shane thought.

 

Shane wasn’t exactly surprised. Down There had been giving him the cold shoulder now for a while. And he knew he deserved it. Maybe, maybe he was hoping he’d encounter someone from his side, just to see what had gone on in the past twenty-five plus years. Guess that wasn’t happening.

 

A lightbulb went off in Shane’s head.

 

Wait.

 

This meant they were watching him.

 

Shane smiled to himself. Okay. Hell wanted to play that way? He could do that.

 

*How unsanitary, not to mention _rude_.

**Well, low-ranking except the few who weirdos who actually _liked_ possessing houses. Shane really didn’t get them. Why would you want to stay in a dusty old house, taunting humans, when nice fancy restaurants were _right there_. But then again, Shane’s best friend was an angel, so maybe he shouldn’t be casting judgement on other demon’s behaviors.

 ~.~ 

He felt like he had to give Ryan something. His frustration was funny, but he needed to make sure he didn’t just give up. Not yet.

 

“If you don’t like us, turn it on.”

 

He knew he made the right decision when he turned the light on, and Ryan _screamed._ Much more fun.

_~.~_  

“Rock n’ roll buckaroo!”

 

“You’re out of your mind!”

 

Even if a demon was present, laying on the pentagram couldn’t harm a human, much less Shane. The demon’s place was the house, so even if a human outright begged to be possessed or sacrificed, it wouldn’t work. So if he wanted to taunt the demon – and in a roundabout way, Hell itself – by calling it a wimp, and telling it to follow him home, or whatever. Well. Who was going to stop him?

 

And he’d have to remember the flashlight trick. Ryan’s reactions would never get old.

 ~.~ 

Shane had a thought.

 

He was going to be honest with himself, which was uncommon for a demon – he wasn’t _exactly_ sure how his whole “I refuse to believe in any of this paranormal nonsense” would actually help his cause of putting a tiny tarnish on thousands of souls.

 

If pressed, he could probably tell someone that it caused conflict in the show’s – growing, but still small – fanbase. And, if the frequency of Ryan looking like he wants to strangle him is any indication, he’s not exactly helping his friend on the whole soul front.

 

But, really, at this point he was just having fun. He was still putting out some true master works of clickbait, but as time went on he became more invested in Unsolved than anything else.

 ~.~ 

Shane rolled his eyes. Demons didn’t need a portal to get here from Hell. Definitely not one in the basement of a dive bar in Kentucky.

 

Demons got here in the same way as angels – one minute they weren’t here, the next they were. Shane hadn’t been back to Hell in a while, far before his exile, but it certainly hadn’t been _that_ long.

 

There was certainly supposed to be a demon here, though, just like at the Sallie House.

 

He’d gone longer communicating with his superiors about the state of Earth, but listen, okay, maybe he was just a little annoyed that everyone associated with Hell was going so out of their way to ignore him. Have a little bit of subtlety, at least. He was still technically their employee, this was downright unprofessional.

 ~.~

On the other hand, he had kind of expected something like this when he sided with humanity. And he certainly didn’t regret what he did. Given the chance to do it over, he wouldn’t change his actions.*

 

But he was still working on behalf of Hell, technically. And he was good at his job, dammit. They could at least acknowledge him when he was walking straight into another demon’s domain.

 

*Except, perhaps, having a slightly cooler weapon, and actually switching the babies on purpose.

 ~.~ 

At least Ryan didn’t have any holy water this time. That stuff made him nervous.

 ~.~ 

“Hey there, demons. It’s me, your boy.”

 

Maybe that was too familiar, maybe it would sound suspicious on camera, but Shane was past caring.

 ~.~

Shane was reasonably sure aliens existed. Newt _swore_ , during one of their rare ‘We Saved The World But Can’t Tell Anyone About It’ nights out drinking,* that he saw a painfully stereotypical alien once. He was drunk at the time, though, so he wasn’t exactly sure about that. What he did know that there was a whole lot of beings that weren’t universally known to humans, and aliens seemed to be likely, given God’s sense of humor.

 

Bigfoot, he had no evidence of, and, given the fact that he had been on Earth since The Beginning, literally, and hadn’t really heard about any concrete prrof. Well. He was reasonably sure it was bullshit.

 

Ryan didn’t need to know that, though.

 

*Everyone involved was invited, even Adam. As an unspoken rule, talking about the event itself is, of course, _completely_ off limits.

 ~.~ 

Aziraphale found it all a bit convoluted.

 

“You know Bigfoot isn’t real, right?” He said, as soon as Crowley picked up the phone. The episode had just gone live, which meant Aziraphale was watching for it. Crowley was touched.

 

“Of course, I do! But I thought it would mess with people. My whole thing is not believing in things that are real, even though the humans don’t know that, so I felt like it would mess with people even more if I claimed something that isn’t real is.”

 

He heard Aziraphale’s tuts through the phone. “You need to be careful with that man you’re working with. He looks like he’s going to strangle you sometimes.”

 

Crowley laughed. “Don’t worry about me, Angel. Ryan’s cool. We’re good buddies, he won’t hurt me.”

 

“That wasn’t what I was worried about, dear.”

 ~.~ 

The haunted locations he could deal with, partially because it seemed that they were never currently haunted when he was present, and partially because even if they were, he was literally the snake that tempted Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He was reasonably sure he could handle anything a ghost could dish out if they wanted to fuck with him.

 

He told Ryan that he liked the true crime seasons better, because they didn’t fight. But in reality, all those episodes did was highlight the fact that some of the worst deeds came not from Hell, but from humans. He could never imagine tempting someone into murdering a child. He was a demon, but he wasn’t that bad. And even if he could, even if he one day sunk that low, it was humans that had to agree to it, humans who had to kill via their temptations.

 

He was always happy when filming for those were over.

 

There were a few heavy cases this season,* so he was understandably excited to get back to going to not-currently-haunted locations and slowly driving Ryan insane.

 

And he had also managed to convince Buzzfeed to do an overseas ‘investigation,’ so they were going back to London ( _back home_ , his traitorous brain whispered). He had a lot to look forward to.

 

*All requested by their ever-growing fanbase. Humans were ridiculous creatures.

 ~.~ 

That was, until Ryan unveiled his new toy.

 

“It’s called a spirit box! It uses radio waves. Supposedly, it allows ghosts to communicate with people.”

 

Shane was pretty shocked that humans managed to actually find a way to communicate with the dead. Or, well, actually, have a possible direct line to Hell. Now, any normal piece of technology would also work just fine, but theoretically, he could have problems if he, a demon, were trying to communicate with other demons using the actual means that demons used to communicate with one another.

 

Especially if he was being filmed.

 

That could lead to some very interesting evidence of the paranormal indeed.

 

“Eh, I don’t know. What’s the science behind this? How do you expect ghosts to communicate using technology when some of them don’t even know they’re dead?”

 

Ryan looked disappointed by his dismissal, but, unfortunately, it didn’t dissuade him from planning to use the infernal thing.

 ~.~

Shane wanted to be acknowledged for his work, yes, but he didn’t want to lose his new friend to do it. And he knew that if something actually came out and talked to him, if it was caught on film, well, Ryan probably wouldn’t be particularly happy with him. Not only did he lie by omission about being a demon - arguably the most famous demon of all time - but also he kind of accidentally ruined any possible evidence of the paranormal Ryan could have ever collected.

 

What this meant is that he really, really didn’t want Hell to use the spirit box to talk to them. A whisper? He could brush off. Some motion? He could deny. Some high-level Duke of Hell, directly addressing him, him responding, and them having a full conversation while Ryan was standing right there with his jaw hanging open? Well. That would be a bit harder to explain away, now wouldn’t it?

 

So, yes, maybe he was a bit nervous the first day it was used. Maybe he lied and told Ryan and the rest of the crew that he got some food poisoning from some nasty hot dogs.* It’s not like he could say the real reason he was nervous was because there was a very real possibility that Ryan would find some very real, irrefutable evidence.

 

*By the way, that thing he was doing in their question and answer videos? A stroke of demonic genius the likes of which he hadn’t had in years.

 ~.~ 

He was undoubtedly acting weird on camera. Someone was going to suspect something, he was sure of it. He was horribly distracted, missing his queues and staring off into the distance.

 

When they eventually made it to the cell and Ryan started the spirit box up after a brief explanation of the mechanics of the device, he was relieved and almost pleased that all he heard was white noise.

 

Almost, because wow, it was _loud_.

 ~.~ 

He’d been up to this, ghost hunting with Ryan, for a couple years now, and still hadn’t encountered another demon. Hell, they still hadn’t encountered a single spirit. The only ‘evidence’ Ryan had ever gotten was when Shane felt like Ryan was starting to really lose hope and used his own power to give him something.*

 

He was reasonably sure that, if Hell wasn’t going to fuck with him by yelling at him through the spirit box, he was pretty safe at this point.

 

So, when they arrived at the Old Alton Bridge, Shane knew they wouldn’t be encountering a demon, and, frankly, he was done being nice. Hell wanted to give him the cold shoulder? Fine, then he was going to mess with them right back. And possibly scare Ryan to death in the process.

 

*He didn’t feel bad for the guy. He _didn’t_.

 ~.~

_“Don’t try it, demon!”_

 

The water gun was, undoubtedly, one of the most ridiculous things Shane had ever seen. When Ryan pulled it out, Shane genuinely laughed at him a little bit.

 

But when Ryan turned it on him, there was a part of him that was terrified. No one here knew this, but that would probably kill him if Ryan squeezed the trigger. He was certain he hadn’t blown his cover, that Ryan didn’t suspect anything, but Ryan was easily excitable. One wrong move and he had a hole in his chest. So, he needed to be careful not to spook Ryan when he was holding the water gun.

 

He was hoping it wouldn’t be too much of a problem. If he survived over six millennia and a near apocalypse only for his cause of death to be “holy water gun wielded by nervous human,” Aziraphale would never let him hear the end of it.

 ~.~ 

He may have gone a bit overboard with taunting Steve.* The guy wasn’t even here to defend his territory. He certainly wouldn’t have been happy if some random demon came into his apartment and started yelling at him about being a wimp.** And asking him not only to attack him, but trying to claim the bridge for himself – well, normally that would cause a very interesting fight, if only anyone was there to hear the threats.

 

Obviously, he didn’t want the bridge, but demons could steal things off of each other. It took a significant amount of power to permanently ban someone from their home turf, but it wasn’t impossible, especially if the demon in question was away from their post. He hadn’t tried it in any of the other locations before, because he was trying to play nice, but since no one was here and he was still being ignored, well, why not try?

 

Looping Ryan into the threats was, initially, just to scare his friend. But as he stressed that it was ‘our bridge,’ he realized that he wouldn’t mind sharing the bridge with his friend. That, of course, would be completely symbolic, as humans certainly couldn’t just steal a demon’s property without some sort of heavy-duty exorcism, but the fact that he was thinking about them as a ‘we’ instead of a ‘me’ spoke volumes to what Shane thought about his friend.

 

He tried not to connect with humans, because it never ended well for him. And even when he did, he rarely told them about his origins. Some knew – usually people who he couldn’t hide it from, like those involved in the Adam Incident. Others, he never needed to tell. He felt no need to, and before modern times he rarely had to explain why he wasn’t aging, or why he couldn’t come to visit someone before they died. However, every once in a blue moon, he encountered someone he decided he wanted to tell about himself. Someone he wanted to stay close to, even if he had to flit in and out of their lives. Even if he would eventually have to watch them die.

 

He suspected Ryan may be inching his way towards that final category.

 

*He was reasonably sure, based on what Ryan said on the way over here going over basics of the episode, that that was the guy’s real name. He technically went by Anthony, and if this guy had gone native he wouldn’t be surprised if he also took on a more human name. And he didn’t blame him, if his name in Hell was anything like ‘Goatman.’ Hell really needed to get more creative. It was 2017, names like that sounded ridiculous.

**As proven by certain…past events.

 ~.~ 

Shane had absolutely lost his mind, he was sure of it.

 

They were talking about what a ridiculous name Steve was for a demon (oh, Ryan, if only you knew) and after going over some names that Ryan thought would be good for a demon, Shane had to open his big mouth.

 

If he really wanted to insert some truth into this, he could have easily said a name of any demon he’d ever met who was a bit less progressive than he was. Hastur? Ligur? Very real demons with very real demon names. Creepy names. Names that couldn’t be traced back to him.

 

“What about. What about Crowley? Is that a good demon name?”

 

Ryan immediately wrinkled his nose. “What kind of name is that? It sounds like something a five-year-old would name a snake.”

 

Shane was offended. That was a great name! He’d thought of it himself! He’d used it for years! He’d be using it again soon, hopefully! It was a knee-jerk reaction, and, it seemed, one he couldn’t fully hide.

 

“What?” Ryan said.

 

Shane figured he’d dug himself in, and there was no way out but through. “I bet Crowley would be a great demon. The coolest demon there ever was.”

 

Ryan laughed. “Nah, he’d be a wimp. He’d think he was cool but he’d probably not even know how to be a real demon.”

 

Shane laughed, thinking, well, Ryan, you’re not totally wrong there, and quickly went off on a tangent about some fictional wimpy demon who bore no resemblance to the real Anthony J Crowley, also known as Shane Madej, thank you very much. He had effectively changed the subject, he’d just have to make sure what made it to the video cut out earlier than his little slip-up.

 ~.~

Salt didn’t work on him.* It may work on some lesser demons, demons who were forced to possess humans and hadn’t been here since The Beginning. But even then, it wasn’t so much an insurmountable border as much as a slight inconvenience.

 

Not to mention the fact that Ryan, the idiot, didn’t even make a solid circle. They were doing this on an old wooden bridge, there were obviously some gaps.

 

Regardless, he knew as soon as he sat down this wasn’t going to work. Demons didn’t need Ouija boards to communicate, not to mention the fact that no one was there to talk to.

 

He sat with Ryan for some time, eventually going back to his original plan of goading Steve, finally taking the bridge for himself, at least temporarily, just to screw with the guy. And if Ryan decided he wanted in on it, well, the guy was conquering his fears, at least. He didn’t have a problem with symbolically sharing his prize.

 

*Almost nothing worked on him, except holy water.

 ~.~ 

On their way back to Los Angeles, Shane decided he’d tell Ryan about his situation. He’s sure that if he explained it to him gently, he’d understand why Shane hid it from him for so long. He may ask to find a new co-host, so he’d actually have some chance of gaining evidence, but maybe he could try to convince Ryan that the fans wouldn’t be happy with that. Regardless, he was hoping it wouldn’t totally ruin their friendship. Obviously, this wasn’t his only option, he could just go back to London, never speak to Ryan again, but. Well. If he wanted to do that, he wouldn’t be formulating a plan to tell Ryan in the first place.

 

They had one more location to go to, before they had a couple of episodes they’d be filming in LA. Then, it was off to a string of locations in England. He thought the best option was give himself some time to decide what to say, and then tell Ryan when they got home from Pennhurst. That would at least give Ryan some time to cool off, if things went south.

 

He should have known he wouldn’t get the chance. That was just his fucking luck.

 ~.~ 

“Do you think on one of these adventures, you’ll ever truly have a psychic break?”

 

“Well, let’s hope that doesn’t happen today.”

 

“Fingers crossed it does.”

_~.~_

Pennhurst, overall, was a pretty uneventful location, even by their standards. Sure, the look if it was pretty horrifying, but they got almost nothing Ryan could count as evidence, and at this point were more bantering back and forth than hoping they’d capture something good. All they had left to do was walk down the hallway with the spirit box, and then head out. They’d go back to their hotel, and then fly back to LA, and with any luck, Shane would explain the situation to Ryan, calmly, within the next couple of days.

 

Shane volunteered to go first.

 

Maybe, deep down, he knew something like this would happen. Maybe that’s why he waited to turn the damned thing on until he was a bit farther away from Ryan.

 

He walked down the long stretch of hallway and picked out a room before turning on the spirit box. He knew what to expect at this point, since they’d used it before, so he flicked the switch with practiced ease.

 

And that’s when everything went to Hell. Literally.

 

[Suddenly, a voice loud enough to shatter glass called out “CROWLEY.”](https://panthermouth.tumblr.com/post/177602242554/a-doodle-of-my-fave-scene-from)

 

Ryan came running. Of course he came running. He wasn’t _that_ far away, and the man wasn’t deaf. He arrived at the doorway in a matter of seconds, probably worried for his friend’s life. It would have been sweet, if Shane didn’t know what was about to happen.

 

Shane winced. Maybe if he didn’t say anything, the voice would –

 

“I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME, CROWLEY. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SUPERIOR WHEN YOU ARE BEING SPOKEN TO.”

 

Oh, so that’s how they were going to play it. Fine. He didn’t think he could get out of this. Might as well rip the band-aid off and get it over with. He couldn’t imagine it going better if he ignores whoever’s speaking to him and has to deal with a demon showing up at the office, or something.

 

“Shane, what’s going on?”

 

Ignoring Ryan, Shane says, “Yes, of course, sir.”

 

Ryan’s jaw drops.

 

“STEVE WAS VERY UNHAPPY ABOUT THE STUNT YOU PULLED, CROWLEY. WE’RE STILL WORKING TO MAKE SURE HE WON’T BE REPELLED WHEN HE STEPS ON THE BRIDGE AGAIN.”

 

“I’ll, uh, try my best to remove the curse remotely.”

 

“GOOD. BUT WE KNOW WHAT GAME YOU’RE PLAYING, CROWLEY. YOU NEED TO STOP. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE FACING EXILE. DEAL WITH YOUR PUNISHMENT, CROWLEY. THE ONLY REASON WHY YOUR PUNISHMENT WASN’T WORSE WAS BECAUSE OF YOUR HISTORY. BE GRATEFUL.”

 

“Of course, sir.”

 

“GOOD. WHEN HELL IS IN NEED OF YOUR SERVICES, WE WILL CONTACT YOU.”

 

The normal white noise of the spirit box rapidly flipping through channels resumed, a sound Shane hadn’t even noticed was missing, signaling the end of the conversation.

 

He looked up at Ryan, who looked like he had just caught irrefutable evidence of the paranormal and was absolutely terrified of what he had seen. Probably because that is what had just happened.

 

He waited for Ryan to speak.

 

“What the fuck was that?”

 

Shane sighed. He was in for a long night.

 ~.~ 

He had managed to convince Ryan that the best place to discuss this probably wasn’t an abandoned hospital in Pennsylvania, but he clearly wasn’t off the hook.

 

They quickly finish the episode. It’ll probably look abrupt, especially since there’s absolutely no way he’s going to let Ryan put that conversation in the final video, but they really don’t have a choice. Ryan doesn’t seem to want to wait a second longer than he had to to figure out what the hell was going on, and nothing Shane said would change his mind. They were allowed to have off episodes, they’d make up for it in post.

 

After they and the rest of the crew arrived back at the hotel, Ryan wordlessly followed Shane back to his room. He was clearly fuming, but was respecting Shane’s wish not to say anything until they were somewhere private. Actually, Ryan hadn’t let him out of his sight since the conversation. Maybe because he was scared of him, or possibly he was afraid Shane would run. Maybe he would have, but Ryan never gave him the chance.

 

He slid his keycard, stood aside so Ryan could walk in, stepped in behind him, and let the door swing shut behind him. He heard the door click shut, and saw Ryan gather himself up before he looked straight at him.

 

_“Explain.”_

 

Never let it be said that Shane wasn’t, at his core, a little shit. He smirked and said, “I don’t know what there is to explain. I’m a demon. I thought that much was obvious.”

 

Ryan sputtered. “How is that obvious? Why? What’s going on? Why didn’t you tell me? Are you possessed?”

 

“I’m not possessed. Possession is gross. This is one-hundred percent my body, baby. I designed it myself.”

 

“You _chose_ to look like that?” It was clearly a knee-jerk comment, as Ryan was still clearly pissed, but it gave him hope that this would work out. “It doesn’t look very demon-like. How do I know you didn’t possess someone?”

 

Shane sighed and took off his sunglasses.

 

Ryan screamed.

 

“If you need me to show you something else, I can also show you my wings, but that’ll take a bit more effort.”

 

Ryan didn’t seem to be listening. Instead, he seemed to be furiously patting his pockets in search of something.

 

“What are you looking for?”

 

“Holy water.” He didn’t sound cold, just horribly, horribly afraid.

 

“You don’t have any. This wasn’t a demon episode. And even if you did, that stuff could kill me. I hope we're not quite at the 'I want you dead' stage, yet.”

 

Ryan’s eyes widened and he stopped patting himself. “It can?”

 

“Yeah, you found the one bit of spiritual lore that actually _underestimates_ the results. Now, do you want to talk like civilized people? I thought we were friends.”

 

“Some friend! You lied to me! For years!”

 

“It’s not technically lying. It’s not like you asked me if I was a demon.”

 

Ryan glared at him. A lie by omission was technically a lie. He’d give him that one. “Why are you even here?”  


“I thought Buzzfeed was a good place for a demon to tempt people.”

 

“No, really.”

 

“Ryan, have you seen how some people react to our content?”

 

Ryan couldn’t fully argue with that point, so instead he said, “Okay, then more specifically, why are you _here_? Why are you doing this with me?”

 

Shane thought for a moment. “At first I told myself it was because it was fun to fuck with you, and because it would reach a large audience, which would allow me to tarnish a lot of souls at once. Our show even encourages arguments between people. Then it was because you were my friend, and if I’m being honest, I was having fun.”

 

Ryan looked surprised by this answer. “You’re here because you like me?”

 

Shane glared at him. “We are capable of having friends, Ryan.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Well,” Shane conceded. “Some of us are.”

 

“Oh, so is that what this is? ‘I’m not like other demons’?”

 

“I’m not.”

 

Ryan didn’t look impressed. “Oh yeah?”

 

“I’ve been here since the garden of Eden. Some would say I’ve gone native.” Shane figured now was not the time to lie, to himself or to Ryan.

 

Ryan thought back to the conversation he overheard. “Is that what that guy meant when he said you had history? That you’ve been here for a while?”

 

Shane looked mildly uncomfortable. “Well. Not exactly.”

 

Ryan gave him an encouraging look.

 

“I’m sort of high-ranking, or at least well-known. It gives me a bit more leeway.” Shane took a breath before continuing, “I tempted Eve.”

 

Ryan looked shocked before starting to laugh. “Oh, bullshit! Shane, I’m not an idiot, I know most of the stuff in the Old Testament isn’t real.”

 

“It’s very real. Heaven thinks dinosaur fossils are hilarious.”

 

Ryan stopped laughing. “You denying scientific fact feels unnatural.”

 

Shane looked at him. “More unnatural than me admitting to being a demon?”

 

“Somehow, yes.”

 

They both laughed again, and somehow, Shane was pretty sure everything was going to be alright.

 ~.~ 

“What did he mean when he said, ‘you know what you did’?” Ryan looked like he didn’t want to know. Like he feared that Shane had done something so unforgivable even Hell couldn’t accept it. In a way, he had, but probably nothing like what Ryan imagined.

 

“About 30 years ago, the world was supposed to end.”

 

Ryan looked taken aback.

 

“And, what, you helped it along? Hell didn’t like you trying to take power?”

 

Shane shook his head. “No. I was on the side trying to stop it.”

 

_“What?”_

 

“Hell didn’t like that. It’s not like we could have done anything anyway, but the Antichrist was supposed to seize power. Bring about the Apocalypse. He didn’t, and I guess we were sort of to blame.”

 

There was a lot to unpack there, so Ryan chose what he thought would be the simplest answer. “The Antichrist?”

 

“His name’s Adam. He’s in politics now.”

 

Ryan didn’t know where to start with that, so he went on to his next question, which was the shortest, but probably had the most complicated answer. “Why?”

 

After saying it, Ryan was worried he wouldn’t be understood, but Shane just shrugged. “Like I said, I’ve been here since the beginning. I guess we got used to it. Hell is. Well. Hell is boring. I try to avoid it if I can. I didn’t want to be forced back there. The world is. It’s amazing. It’s home now. I’m basically human but with a significantly longer lifespan and a bit more taste for chaos. I didn’t want to leave. So, I didn’t.”

 

“And now you’re in exile.” It wasn’t a question. The words from the spirit box were etched in his mind.

 

Shane nodded.

 

“You keep saying ‘we.’ Did someone else help?”

 

Shane wasn’t sure if he was ready to discuss his relationship with Aziraphale. Not just yet. “Yes. A friend.”

 

Ryan didn’t push it.

 ~.~

Shane offered up the next piece of information. “Sorry about you never getting any evidence.”

 

Ryan whipped his head around. “What do you mean?”

 

“Uh, well, spirits tend to yield to any demons present, and any demons we might have encountered were taking a temporary leave of absence because of my exile.”

 

Ryan took a moment to process what he had just heard, before rounding on Shane. “You’re saying we could have gotten evidence but didn’t because you were there?!”

 

Shane smiled. It was part embarrassed, part mischievous. 

 

“You. _Bastard!”_

 

“Hey! It’s not like I could control it!”

 ~.~ 

Ryan had calmed down by this point, but he still had a few more questions. “So, your job is to turn people towards the Dark Side? Is that why you’re always driving me insane?”

 

Shane smirked. “No, that’s just an added bonus. I was always a subscriber of the ‘quantity over quality’ method. Why work away at one soul when you can tarnish hundreds, sometimes millions, with a single action.”

 

Ryan looked at him, before suddenly starting to laugh. “Are you telling me that all of those ridiculous videos you made are demonic activity?”

 

Shane was offended once again. ”Those were quality work!”

 

“Some demons are out there, tempting innocent people, and you’re making videos on the internet and claiming they’re demonic. You huge fucking dork.”

 

Shane looked annoyed, but he couldn’t exactly deny it.

 ~.~

After that, their conversation mostly died down. Occasionally, Ryan had a question, and Shane would just answer it. It was fine. He knew now. As long as he didn’t run to film him answering the questions, Shane was fine with answering.

 

The next day, they packed their bags and headed back to LA.

 

After Ryan was given a few days to cool off, he seemed strangely fine with the new development.

 

“You know, I was expecting you to be freaking out, or at least ignoring me.”

 

Shane said this out of the blue, as they were both calmly sitting working at their desks.

 

Ryan shifted in his seat before saying, “I kind of always thought there was something weird about you.” He glanced at Shane’s sunglasses. He hadn’t seen his eyes since a few nights before, but now he knew why Shane wore them. “I obviously didn’t think the answer was ‘ancient demon living on earth since the beginning of time,’ but this at least explains some things.”

 

Shane couldn’t really argue with that, so he turned back to his computer.

 ~.~

Ryan arrived back at his desk after a meeting with a grim look on his face.

 

“They want us to participate in an exorcism video. I don’t know how to talk them out of it.”

 

Shane laughed.

 

“Don’t worry about it.”

 

Ryan, if anything, looked more worried at that. He quickly glanced around to make sure no one was watching them, and whispered, “What if whoever’s performing the exorcism tries to do something to you!”

 

“I told you, this is my body. I made it myself. You can’t kick me out. And even if a demon was possessing a host, you still can’t just perform an exorcism willy-nilly. I doubt this guy’s legit if we were able to get him this last minute. What’s his name?”

 

Ryan gave it to him, and Shane looked him up. Oh yeah, not legit at all. “Get a load of this guy.”

 

As they both watched a video of this guy performed an 'exorcism,' Ryan listened as Shane explained all the intricate details of why this guy was bullshit, and when they were faced with him in real life, neither one could hold in their laughter.

 ~.~ 

It was the day they were leaving for London, they were finishing filming for the season, and Shane wanted to clear everything up before they headed out.

 

“I may not have been completely honest about why I pushed so hard for going to England.”

 

Ryan looked up from his phone and said, “What do you mean?”

 

“I kind of lived in London before moving out to LA.”

 

Ryan grinned. “Aw, are you homesick?”

 

Shane crossed his arms and huffed, but in a quiet voice, said, “Maybe.”

 

Ryan raised his eyebrows.

 

“I kind of miss my old apartment. And my friends.”

 

The eyebrows inched higher.

 

“One friend.”

 

Ryan snickered, before moving back to his phone. He was pretty sure he knew the friend was the demon who helped Shane save the world, but he didn’t want to push.

 

“There’s one other thing,” Shane said, waiting for Ryan to look at him. “If you want, when we’re done with this season, I can stay in London. You’ll never get any evidence with me with you, and LA is starting to wear on me. It may be best if you find another co-host.”

 

Ryan was shocked, but he was at least willing to consider it. “The fans would hate if you left.” He said. “We’ll talk about it when we’re done.”

 ~.~

When they landed in London, they had an evening before shooting began, and Ryan asked Shane to show him around. “You’ve lived here for God knows how long, show me all of the good places.”

 

Shane thought for a moment, before responding. “We can do that later. First, do you want to meet my friend?”

 

Ryan was torn. “Listen, I don’t mean to stereotype, but I’m not sure if I’d get along with another demon. Especially if they’re not as…progressive as you.”

 

Shane laughed. He figured Ryan thought Aziraphale fought for Hell, and had done nothing to dissuade that view, but he was looking forward to the look on Ryan’s face when he corrected him. “Aziraphale isn’t a demon. He’s an angel. A real bastard of one, too.”

 

Ryan, once again, was shocked.

 

“I thought angels and demons hated each other!”

 

“As a rule we do, but we had…similar occupations. We worked out an Arrangement and have been friendly ever since.”

 

Ryan still looked surprised.

 

“Come on.” Shane said. “You’ll like him. You kind of remind me of him, actually.”

 ~.~

So there they were, curving through London backstreets at 11:30 on a Wednesday night.

 

“Uh, Shane, what are we looking for?”

 

“Trust me.”

 

They walked some more, before arriving at an inconspicuous bookshop, which, Ryan was shocked to find, had an ‘Open’ sign on it.

 

Shane pushed open the door.

 

“Angel!” He shouted. “I’m back!”

 

A man a few years older than either of them rushed out of the back room. He was soft (cherubic, Ryan’s mind supplied), and wore tartan and glasses. When he saw them, he looked at Shane, and said one word like coming home.

 

_“Crowley!”_

**Author's Note:**

> I blame Shane’s outfit in the almost 70th retrospective and the fact that a good 75% of his actions are Crowley Moods™. And, listen, if demon!Shane was an actual thing, he’d be the type of demon who would think it was hilarious to glue pennies to a sidewalk and watch people try to pick them up. He’d be Crowley.
> 
> This is based on the book canon and (theoretical) timeline. Meaning, when I allude events of _Good Omens_ , they took place roughly leading up to the publication date of the book (late 80s), but Crowley, obviously, has not aged because of the whole immortal thing. The story itself takes place in the present day, before and interwoven with _Unsolved_ videos, and working off the assumption they were filmed in order.
> 
> Anything supernatural that isn’t specifically described in _Good Omens_ (the existence of ghosts, how accurate this is to the common mythos of demon protection – holy water is a big no-no, but nothing else is really mentioned -, etc), assume it’s artistic license. I also know that there’s other people on set when they go to locations. Again, for the sake of the discovery plot point, artistic license. Pretend they were all taking some video outside for the aesthetics, or something.
> 
> All the shots taken at Buzzfeed (revolving around why a demon may be attracted to work at such a place) are in good fun and meant completely as a joke, hope I wasn’t too offensive. On a similar note, if you go way back in Shane’s video history, his first video is “Unusual Facts About Diet Coke” and an old Debatable video he made is, in fact, “Would You Fuck An Alien?” I feel bad calling him out on this, but the story necessitated it. Again, all in good fun. I’m really sorry I implied he’s both a demon and a hack in this story when he is absolutely neither of those things and I would die for him.
> 
> I purposely left the ending open to interpretation. Decide for yourself what you think Shane/Crowley would do. I personally have an idea, but it’s so wildly off track and since all of this up until that point pretty much follows the normal timeline I decided not to include it. I also didn’t include any shipping because it was a little weird to me to ship real people and fictional characters in any capacity but if you want to read it as shippy live your life.
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [ryannightnightbergara](http://ryannightnightbergara.tumblr.com/) but I never write and reblog mostly stuff that’s neither of these fandoms so that’s what you’d be getting into.


End file.
